and my proof that i was there will be only words, which no one will believe

oh, hey. 

i'm a new person.

everything feels different. walking, talking, sleeping, eating, reading, everything-ing.

the past week has been genuinely wild.  i've gone swimming in 2 of the most beautiful lakes ever.  i've gone though a life changing break-up with a life changing person.  i accidentally ran 10 miles in the rain and gave myself the most gratifying shin splints in the history of shins.  i've been confused and upset but in a controllable, understandable way...which feels like an indescribable feat.  aaaaand.... i've enjoyed parties at skidmore.  that one is the most fucked up of all.

the church on the end of jess's street in swoyersville always has a pithy saying on a sign in their yard.  when i left home it was "attitude determines latitude."  hellz yeah, maranantha.

i'm adjusting to feeling ok. the end.

it's a kind of natural fact

last night i went to a party and slept in a tent with pictures of disney princesses on the outside.  cool tent. cold night. stupid girl. i should've gone home, for several reasons.

i saw bobby flay go into some new restaurant in saratoga today!  i did a double take and he gave me a weird look in his tight little designer jeans. i used to hate him.

i wish i could spank you with that big spatula, bobby. but tell me if max london's had any good food, i haven't checked it out yet.

i sat in my professor's house for 2 hours last night. he pried into my personal life for 20 minutes and talked about himself for 100, which was fine because he made tea for me to drink during his monologue.

last february, i spent a night dancing to my ex-boyfriend's band with another boy.  he gripped my arm so tightly that night, not in a controlling way, just a silent "please don't walk away yet." i'll never forget that, or the poem he wrote after that night or how fucking special it makes me feel every single time i read it

Slow Movement So Take Your Time

 

Dancing with you, I wasn’t really there, I

was everywhere else, I was hitting a fast-

ball over the third baseman’s cap, I was

in a tide of white water, I was in

Rishikesh, I was seeing my children

asking about god, in the other room I watched us,

peering in through the frosty glass, I spun

around your arm in the shape of an F

sharp from the bass, I was in the kitchen

making toast, saying hilarious things, I was

throughout your smooth, I dodged

a grimace towards your ex, I held hands

with witches and nymphs on sea-scraped

stones, I was the heat of your breath, I

curled around in your mind and slept for

twelve thousand years, I watched you

from the sleeve of my shirt, I watched you

slide in-tune with souls of men, I heard

you break through the rafters and pierce

the winter, I saw myself

from a falling piece of wood. 

in less than 2 weeks i'm supposed to sit in my first real poetry class... and the author of that poem is in it.

in less than 2 weeks i'm going to see a man with a 7 inch beard who will sound familiar but feel different

in less than 2 weeks i will be making money for learning about washington d.c.

in less than 2 weeks i will move in with 3 incredible girls

and in less than 2 weeks i will probably be this close |-----| to some kind of breakdown. help a sister out when that time comes.

from reports she is rather beautiful. good for her!

i'm back in saratoga

my mom cried on her birthday because she felt loved by my dad for the first time in a long time

i'm ready for anything

Knowing the things that I know

Tonight is no consolation 
So what, we live on a globe
And everyone I know is here right now
On this sphere
Alone

You are far away
On some land out in the water
where the sun can kiss you head to toe
the air can get you hotter than I could
I oughtn't even try
Whenever I do the space gets wider
in between us than before
I'm staring out from deep across the bed

Into our shelters we go
shield us from the unbearably high sky
shroud us in from what we know
bandaged up from all the bleeding love
and
you don't even believe in outer space
equal to the rate at which you doubt my crying face
and since you don't believe me
should I cover up and fake it?
or just sit here with your disbelief and know that I can take it? 

azure ray - november

i left my house last friday without a definite plan... great move. spent two days with jess in philly and visited my roommate from freshman year for two days in new jersey. jenny shares almost all of the problems with skidmore that i have... and she took last year off because of them. i thought seeing her would make me want to transfer or take time off even more... but for some reason it made me more confident about going back. i wish she was coming with me though. this picture pretty much sums up our 2006-2007 attitudes, minus the mini-smiles. i spent one night drinking wine with my sister and her husband, and instead of hopping right on the bus home i popped in on nikki at her work and ate awesome risotto and biscotti and walked to port authority with beer in a coffee cup. the best.

my chest pains and constant panicky feelings finally subsided. i want to think about good things.

GOOD THINGS:

• gushy facebook messages between me and jenny that will never end. we only knew each other for 8 months
• seeing the bird and the bee in september, i hope
• my mom getting 2 breakfast sandwiches from midtown while i get 2 coffees from curry donuts every morning that i'm home
• old pictures on jess's computer that will always give me an incredible nostalgic feeling
• dancing to gung ho in a dirty living room at skidmore and a silly freshman asking if i'm a dance major. lolz. i just got rhythm
  
• reading text messages from the beginning of this summer that still make me smile, despite everything that's happened since.. mm chicken wing pizza. haha i hope you see this
  
• drinking white wine and watching roseanne at 5a.m. on nights when none of my friends felt like doing anything
• picking a country to live in for the spring semester. shiiiit
• new boot goofin

I'M GOING TO BOSTON TOMORROW

greg you popular bitch

hair cut and color tomorrow. 6 years ago, greg chopped off 11 inches of nikki's hair so impressively that i've gone to him ever since.
not sure what to do yet...

hahaha what a cyclops i was last october... i like my natural hair color but i think i'm gonna enrich my red. why not.


i'm actually kind of anxious to get back to school now. i wouldn't say i'm looking forward to it... but i want it to happen so i can just know for sure what the fuck it will be like.

my sister's cat is at my house... i'm allergic to it.

nothing exciting has been going on lately. i wish i went to nyc to visit nikki again or hopped on the martz to philly with jess yesterday. having too much time on my hands is bad news right now. it just makes me stress over little things, hallucinate problems with my health, fuck around in photoshop, and share all of it with the internet hahaha.

always fresh always good

so my friend from skidmore slept in my empty bed (air mattress) in saratoga a couple of nights ago. she called me to describe how creepy her night in my vacant room was... it looked like i left for 10 minutes and was coming right back. my computer was on with windows open and a song paused in the middle. some clothes were scattered on my bed and floor, most of my stuff was still in boxes. i hope someone threw away the english muffins i left in the cupboard, or else they're probably green and black by now.

i can't remember if i actually believed that i was coming right back after i visited Nikki in brooklyn or if i knew then that i was headed home. nothing has really happened since i returned to kingston, but my mind has been racing nonstop so i feel as if a fucking decade has passed. i wonder if i would've broken down if i went right back to saratoga. probably. i've been on the brink of this for two years. plus, i felt like i had to come back because i thought i had some "unfinished business" in PA to come back to, but i guess that's not the case.

and my incredible ex-housemate called to offer me her spot in a beautiful apartment that usually only seniors can live in. it's not definite yet, but i might have yet another difficult decision to make at the end of this week. can i really semi-screw over the 5 girls i was planning on living with and ditch the script i was starting to write for who i would be in that house? maybe i have to do that.









northwoods apartments, built in 2006

VERSUS

scribner village, built in 1972

jessica is home and last night was the most fun i've had in a month. "THE MUPPETS are back in TOWNS." today i can kind of take deep breaths, which i wasn't able to do for a couple of days. thanks for that, bd.

i started drinking wine with my mom when i get home from wherever i was before all of my friends got tired or bored enough to end the night. that was weird in the first place, then last night she brought me a glass without even asking if i wanted one. in any other circumstance that would be great, but it makes me feel disgusting and terrible when i actually think about it.

last night i dreamed that i was tripping on acid

"What will you do
when nothing will do
but to throw your arms around trees
& men
& greet every woman as sister
& to run naked in the spray of the fire hydrants
with children of assorted colors?

Will you cover your drenched skin
with woolen clothes?
Will you wear a diaper of herringbone tweed?
Will you piece together a shroud of figleaves
& lecture at the University
on the Lives of the Major Poets,
the History of Despair in Art?"

got up in the a.m. today....

i feel like i can't see any of my 20 year old self in old pictures of me. then i was all dark hair, dark eyes, no freckles. except the poorly cut bangs... haha i guess that's one feature i've held on to.

baked on the side of caitlin's pool for a few hours today... hot as hell and grew some more spots on my face!

i'm getting more info about helping my professor research his history of washington d.c. i'd fact check, help edit as he drafts his manuscript, read articles and suggest additions and deletions... and work from his home office. i bet he lives in a saratoga mansion and i bet his wife wears reeeeeally expensive reading glasses. i almost want to take the job just to see his fucking house haha. i also found out he won an emmy and a peabody for a tv documentary he made.

both of the professors i talked to said at one point that they were "smiling to themselves" because i remind them of themselves at some point or other in their lives. weird. i can't imagine saying that to some disgruntled student 30 years from now as i reminisce about this summer... actually yeah i can kind of imagine that. eeew being 50

so yeah, i'm thinking about being young, i'm thinking about being old, i'm thinking about breakfast for tomorrow, i'm thinking about boyzzz, i'm having an excruciatingly hard time thinking about now. i can't even read a damn book!! last summer i was confused and figuring shit out, but in a focused, exciting way that allowed me to put myself into books and other people's stories and problems and situations. at this point i seriously cannot read ONE PAGE of a book because my mind starts drifting to the million things i need to figure the fuck out. sometimes i can't even listen to my best friends talk about shit just as important as my own because i just can't pull myself out of my own head. never happened to me before.. i don't like it.

but i think i'm going back to school in the fall. please don't fuck me up again, skidmore. i'm gonna try my fucking hardest not to hate you anymore.



<3<3<3 ...........






ugh this is gonna be so hard hahahaha

footloose and fancy free

today at 5:30 a.m... i was driving to turkey hill to buy a newspaper... after reading the police blotter i threw out the paper and drove home. what the fuck is happening.

i e-mailed an english professor to ask for advice about taking a semester off from skidmore... or transferring... or being a part-time student... or doing something to make me feel like a real person again. he brought up family issues that i wrote about in my ~memoir~ for his class... i've never gaped at a computer screen for as long as i did when i read his version of my mom and dad. then he apologized hahaha

i also had a phone chat with my advisor, who seriously cannot be human... she's too evolved. most intuitive, articulate robot ever.

this has probably been the worst summer ever. i've been completely incapable of living in the moment because i've had so many shitty decisions to make. and i hate deciding things.

this summer would've been better if
- i had more realistic hopes of how shit would go down
- everyone good had endless supplies of money and time
- people knew how to communicate what they want, even if it changes.... so that i can figure out what the fuck i want haha
- i had a firmer, independent grasp on what i wanted and didn't question it
- more live music
- more jess, nikki, bobby in my life
- the world was full of genuine, fun, honestly interesting people hahahaha


i just got a call from yellowstone national park. his voice cut out before i heard nearly enough of what i need to hear. surprise, surprise.

roman holiday

i'm drinking my 4th glass of my mom's chablis at 5:30 a.m. unchilled. for no reason. well, for too many reasons... kinda like this blog hahaha i don't know what inspired this. typing is faster than writing, i guess. and maybe someone will read this and tell me interesting stuffs. probably not, but i like that idea, which i guess is enough.

august is almost here and i don't know where i'll be at the end of it. probably back in saratoga springs, probably a part-time student and not totally content, hopefully moving with more direction than i have now.

my dad just came downstairs to make coffee as i finished my last sip of wine. not a good sign.

so now i'm thinking...... fuck the dude who responds to a painfully awkward and unnecessary but overdue message with "<3"
fuck my rearview mirror for falling off
and fuck me for getting drunk when the sun comes up and not being able to fall asleep because it's so damn bright in my room!!!!!!!!

buttttttttttt thank you edwardsville curry donuts guy for thinking i'll be the first woman president and asking about what i'm reading and thank you jessica for letting me rant when you have plenty of your own ~dilemmas~ to rant about.

and thank you canada for being reasonable about your wine and giving me a destination. i wanna go to montreal before the summer ends. alone.