always fresh always good

so my friend from skidmore slept in my empty bed (air mattress) in saratoga a couple of nights ago. she called me to describe how creepy her night in my vacant room was... it looked like i left for 10 minutes and was coming right back. my computer was on with windows open and a song paused in the middle. some clothes were scattered on my bed and floor, most of my stuff was still in boxes. i hope someone threw away the english muffins i left in the cupboard, or else they're probably green and black by now.

i can't remember if i actually believed that i was coming right back after i visited Nikki in brooklyn or if i knew then that i was headed home. nothing has really happened since i returned to kingston, but my mind has been racing nonstop so i feel as if a fucking decade has passed. i wonder if i would've broken down if i went right back to saratoga. probably. i've been on the brink of this for two years. plus, i felt like i had to come back because i thought i had some "unfinished business" in PA to come back to, but i guess that's not the case.

and my incredible ex-housemate called to offer me her spot in a beautiful apartment that usually only seniors can live in. it's not definite yet, but i might have yet another difficult decision to make at the end of this week. can i really semi-screw over the 5 girls i was planning on living with and ditch the script i was starting to write for who i would be in that house? maybe i have to do that.









northwoods apartments, built in 2006

VERSUS

scribner village, built in 1972

jessica is home and last night was the most fun i've had in a month. "THE MUPPETS are back in TOWNS." today i can kind of take deep breaths, which i wasn't able to do for a couple of days. thanks for that, bd.

i started drinking wine with my mom when i get home from wherever i was before all of my friends got tired or bored enough to end the night. that was weird in the first place, then last night she brought me a glass without even asking if i wanted one. in any other circumstance that would be great, but it makes me feel disgusting and terrible when i actually think about it.

last night i dreamed that i was tripping on acid

"What will you do
when nothing will do
but to throw your arms around trees
& men
& greet every woman as sister
& to run naked in the spray of the fire hydrants
with children of assorted colors?

Will you cover your drenched skin
with woolen clothes?
Will you wear a diaper of herringbone tweed?
Will you piece together a shroud of figleaves
& lecture at the University
on the Lives of the Major Poets,
the History of Despair in Art?"